I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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