I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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