What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I faked an abortion last night.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
