My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
