There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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