Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
