apparently the secret to your success is patron
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
