some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize