thus making me awesome and them whores
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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