then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
