I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
