dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
