____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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