I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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