She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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