Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
