Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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