i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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