Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
