Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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