I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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