Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
