Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
