I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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