i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
