Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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