All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
