mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
