You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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