hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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