I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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