just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
