Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
