You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
