I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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