I'm lost and stupid without you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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