I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
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I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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