I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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