I wish I could teleport
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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