I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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