Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
