i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
