The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's the barista slut.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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