here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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