we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
