Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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