Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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