she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
