Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
