we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
