YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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