I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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