fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
