I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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