shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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