So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
