Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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