Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
