12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
