She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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